I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Congratulations! We have a period
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