my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Are we still banned from the library?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
