I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
