I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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