I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
