I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
