i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
