Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
