literally had 100 drinks last night.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
