Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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