The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Tornado booty call.. dedication
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
How does one acquire holy water?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
