Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
