Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.