just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.