he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just invented taco cereal.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously