Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
