Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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