I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
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WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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