So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
