It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
