I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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