When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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