I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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