i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
