Don't make out with my wife yet
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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