How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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