Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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