I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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