someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
