I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
