You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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