I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Randomize
