TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
