He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
