if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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