You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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