is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
God I need to hump something, right now.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
