I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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