I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
