even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
im holly from the hills drunk
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
