My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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