I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
