New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
