Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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