I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
