We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions