i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
