Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
