Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
