I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
