If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
