i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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