I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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