as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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