I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
