Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
