I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
