Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
