I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
