Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
