first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
